Hi all…

I am in a place where I am thinking about how I can create reality for myself.  I have spent my entire life doing what i was taught to do.  Unfortunately, I have come to a place where I can see that my heart and mind are in a constant struggle.  I have pretty much lost everything because I allowed my mind to rule my life.  This morning, I got up with the intention of going to work.  When I stepped into the shower, I relished the warm spray of water and then a random thought floated into my mind and it instantly stressed me out.  What was the thought?  It was “I have to go to work and do all the things I’m supposed to do.”   Why did this instantly stress me out?

First, let me explain what I have been going through.  I have been following in the path of the masses…getting a so-called good job and working hard to be good at what I do.  I am a state employee in a managerial position. I am bound to work and abide by all state policies and procedures.  Unfortunately, I work at a school and I come into many situations where the state polices come into conflict with the work I do which is with children in a residential setting.  I aspire to give the residential students an environment in which they can flourish and learn in leap and bounds.  I have often questioned myself in whether my standards were to help one child or ten children to succeed.  I used to love my job and the challenges it presented.   I have endeavored to present different ways of viewing the care-taking of children in a residential setting only to run into obstacles in the form of resistant staff, me being resistant, and state bureaucracy.  I have been in this job for 17 years and I am now at the point where I am starting to question all the beliefs I had held and tried to apply to my job and to my life.  Because I was in the mindset that what I was taught was to be accepted as the absolute truth, I slowly dug myself into a rut because I was not willing or courageous enough to question those beliefs.  Thus, the result 17 years later is a feeling of dread each day and instant stress when I wake up on a workday.

What does this lead to?  This forced me to face the inevitable:  Am I truly living according to my values and desires.  After closer introspection, I realized I was not doing so and I was living “small”.  I realized that all the stress and agony over being the idea of doing well at my job and trying to live up to the expectations of my staff, co-workers, and my supervisors as well as my parents has taken a toll on my emotional and spiritual well-being.  I have lost onf of the most wonderful people in my life (my partner) because she could not understand how my mind was functioning and could not understand why she could not supersede all the negative thinking that was going on in my mind associated with failure and a lot of self-flagellation.  Now, I find myself alone and not liking it at all.  I managed to go through each day thinking I needed to show that I could handle it.  The fact that I am deaf and had something I needed to prove to everyone that I could be on equal footing with those who could hear did not help at this point.  It only served to speed up my own demise.   Ultimately, I crashed and from that point, I realized that I had been spending my entire life trying to meet the expectations of everyone except my own and with each experience, it only left me more empty and needy.

As I go through the recovery process, I come to understand and accept that I am the only one responsible for all my actions and that as I become more self-aware, the less I feel the need to live up to the expectation of others.  I become more comfortable with the idea of living only to my expectations and desires and that I am truly free of any kind of expectation or rules imposed by others.  It is easier said than done but once practiced in small steps, it does indeed brighten up the path ahead of me and increase my faith in myself to just do what I want to do, regardless of my past choices or future consequences.  Just the mere idea of having the freedom to make choices based on what I know today is a fantastic thing to have.  I have choices in front of me and this is a time in my life where I know I need to make a shift in order to reconcile with my true self in order to live fully.  This is a big step and scary because I don’t handle not knowing what happens in the future well.  I accept this and tell myself to have faith in myself and to go with what my heart tells me to do.  I realize that it is so much easier to stay in the same place I have been out of fear yet I know what the cost will be to me:  a dead soul.  I am choosing to live fully as possible therefore I know I cannot stay in the same place I am.

I thank you all for reading this post and would love to hear from you your own experiences of pivotal events in your own lives.